10 weeks to go.
I’ve committed to end my time carrying babies after my little girl is born, so it’s bittersweet.
Of course, nothing permanent has been done as of yet, and we never really know what is in the cards for us but I think I’ve made peace with being done. I’m inching towards 30, and my husband and I both agree that two children suit our lifestyle perfectly. I’m looking forward to watching them grow up together, as we grow older too.
I can’t say that I don’t ever feel blue, though.
I can feel my heart start to race whenever I catch myself rushing too much – I have to remind myself to stop and slow down so I can really savor every moment of this pregnancy. I don’t ever want to forget, and deep in my heart I’m afraid there are things I undoubtedly will.
So I’m trying to close my eyes and really hold on to these moments when it’s just my girl and I. Her kicks and rolls. Tiny hiccups popping in my belly. Dominic’s chubby little hands gently rubbing my stomach and him whispering “Hi Baby” in the morning. The look on my husband’s face when I told him we were having a little girl, pure shock followed by instant panic.
But most of all, I want to remember how I feel. Right now, at this moment. I want to remember how empowering it is to grow a human being inside my womb. To know that little cheeks and hands and delicious baby thighs are being manufactured with two cells, and my blood. I want to remember the curves of my body, soft but strong. I want to remember the fear that comes with carrying a baby after suffering a miscarriage. I want to remember how hard I prayed every night for my baby girl and how honored I am that she chose me to be her mama.
I’ve dreamt of this journey my entire life. Once it comes to its end, I want to be able to think of the 3 tiny humans I carried inside me and remember, everything. But mostly the overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude that I’ve been lucky enough to have this experience. And then I’ll close this chapter, and begin a new one as a mother of two, and I pray I can remember to slow down and savor all the beautiful moments that it brings. Because I never, ever want to forget.